Obviously Your Body Needed It
I slept 12 hours last night. As Mom would say, "Obviously your body needed it."
Mom also applied this principle to food. I could say, and still to this day do this, "Oh! You know what I could go for? A Fluffer Nutter." Insert any weird food into this - Pickled Herring, Raw Oysters, a Snickers Bar, Chicken Nachos, Margaritas, French Toast, Coffee with Baileys, you get the picture. Then Mom would say, "Well, your body must need something that is in the Fluffer Nutter." Then she would proceed to start listing things that my body could be lacking. "Let's see, Peanut Butter has protein, it could be you need protein. Then again, maybe your body needs sugar. Or crust, you could be lacking in crust." Really Mom crust??
She also had some serious warnings and insights, some true, some not and some very disturbing for children.
"Chele, did you get the email I sent? If the UPS man comes to your door, don't answer the door. Make him leave the package there. He's not really the UPS man, he's a serial killer and a rapist." K Mom.
"Chele, did you get the email I sent? If you get pulled over at night, drive to the police station with your hazards on, the Policeman really isn't a Policeman, he's a serial killer and a rapist." K Mom.
"Chele, did you get the email I sent? If you're in a store parking lot and someone says they need help with their car, do not help them, run away. They are serial killer rapists." K Mom.
"Chele, did you get the email I sent? Don't let people in department stores spray you with perfume, they are putting something in it that knocks you out, and then they rape and kill you." K Mom.
"Chele, did you get the email I sent? If you go into a public bathroom keep an eye out for someone reaching under the stall to pull you out by your feet, they are serial killer rapists." Mom, put Dad on the phone.
Mom also applied this principle to food. I could say, and still to this day do this, "Oh! You know what I could go for? A Fluffer Nutter." Insert any weird food into this - Pickled Herring, Raw Oysters, a Snickers Bar, Chicken Nachos, Margaritas, French Toast, Coffee with Baileys, you get the picture. Then Mom would say, "Well, your body must need something that is in the Fluffer Nutter." Then she would proceed to start listing things that my body could be lacking. "Let's see, Peanut Butter has protein, it could be you need protein. Then again, maybe your body needs sugar. Or crust, you could be lacking in crust." Really Mom crust??
She also had some serious warnings and insights, some true, some not and some very disturbing for children.
- Crust makes your hair curly.
- Chewing on your pigtails make worms grow in your stomach (can you see the horrified look on my face at age 4?)
- Swearing in the presence of a dragon fly will make him sew your lips shut. (Christ! MMmmpph!)
- Blue Jays will peck your eyes out while you hang clothes on the clothesline. (?!)
- Child Services will take you away if your room is not clean.
- Halloween is dangerous because people hide razorblades in apples (clearly she just didn't want to drive me around and like I would eat an apple.)
- If you are a women you shouldn't jog, it jars your preserves. (I can't make this stuff up.)
"Chele, did you get the email I sent? If the UPS man comes to your door, don't answer the door. Make him leave the package there. He's not really the UPS man, he's a serial killer and a rapist." K Mom.
"Chele, did you get the email I sent? If you get pulled over at night, drive to the police station with your hazards on, the Policeman really isn't a Policeman, he's a serial killer and a rapist." K Mom.
"Chele, did you get the email I sent? If you're in a store parking lot and someone says they need help with their car, do not help them, run away. They are serial killer rapists." K Mom.
"Chele, did you get the email I sent? Don't let people in department stores spray you with perfume, they are putting something in it that knocks you out, and then they rape and kill you." K Mom.
"Chele, did you get the email I sent? If you go into a public bathroom keep an eye out for someone reaching under the stall to pull you out by your feet, they are serial killer rapists." Mom, put Dad on the phone.
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