It's A Wonder I Can Breathe With My Foot Firmly Inserted In My Mouth

I have two very well honed super powers.

First, I gravitate towards any physical disabilities someone may have, I always look in the wandering eye, extend my hand to find a lobster claw at the end of someone else's arm, trip over some one's cane or walk straight into a special needs shopper in the produce section and stand there with my eyes closed. I'm an idiot.

Super Power Number Two is the unbelievable power to say the most inappropriate things as the best possible times.

• While working in an office in Dallas, a nice black man came to work for a few days, let's call him Frank. He had a Jerry Curl and my co-worker and dear friend had a crush on him. He left and I was making a fool of myself saying all breathy-like, "Wow Frank, I love your Jerry Curl, can I touch it? It looks so soft and juicy. Can you stay a few days more Frank?" Frank was still there, which explained the look of horror on my co-workers face while I was talking.
• Walking through the office at work here in Maine I said, (and I have no idea why), "I just don't have the ass for that." Joey has NEVER forgotten and from time to time reminds me.
• A customer called on the phone to ask me about her system at her house. I remembered her husband was quite ill when we met. "How is your husband doing?" .... wait for it... "He died the day after you left." shit. "I'm so sorry to hear that, how is Sandy your dog?" ....."She died too." f$^#!
• My personal favorite: I had a day to day calendar from The Onion, I tore off a new day and announced, "Who wants to hear today's Onion Page?" No one answered and I wasn't discouraged, I continued on, "Ugly 40 Year Old Man Unsure How To Get Word Out About Giant C@ck" I laughed and laughed and then noticed the gentleman sitting waiting for an interview. mmmph!
• Just the other day three co-workers were chatting at the bottom of the stairs, I walked by, said "Good Morning." and one said, "Good Morning - pretty in pink!" another said, "That's not pink, it's purple." I said, "You're both wrong it's raspberry, so suck it." turned around and promptly fell up the stairs. Smooth.
• And today... I'm in my office with Rich, we're discussing floor plans or something work related when I heard Eric Clapton singing Wonderful Tonight. I stopped and said, "I hate this song. Why doesn't he just sing, 'I'm a friggin drunk.'? I start to open my cakehole again when I notice a strange smirk on Rich's face. OMG. With eyes closed I pray out loud, "Please please tell me that's not your wedding song!" It was, thankfully Rich laughed until he was in tears.

Maybe it's turrets??