Felix
I'm not a hypochondriac, but I think I have several ailments, all of which involve a tumor.
Saturday started off as usual, wake up, eat within 30 minutes of rising - that's for the 4 Hour Body Diet, fart around on the laptop for a while, muster the motivation to stomp down the basement stairs to workout. Then shower, shave and off to the big city, Augusta - a capital city filled with nuts and wack jobs.
Sam's Club was a financial drain $270, my attention was immediately grabbed by the aroma of grilled hot dogs in front of the store - SCORE! Once inside, I was captivated by Muffin Mania, first off the name is shear genius and I was hungry. A dozen muffins each the size of a softball in yummy flavors like pina colado for $6.98 - Joanne, Joyce - I'll take 12 - a pleasure doing business with you ladies!
Onto Hannaford for some grocery shopping. It was about this time I noticed dull pain in my side. I hadn't made it through the produce section when the pain increased to the point of me not being able to stand upright or determine what was on the list. I used the cart as a walker, I blended right in. Once at the checkout line, I realized I had to leave and wait in the car, I was starting to get nauseous.
At one point the question was ER or pickup Chinese Food, since Saturday is the day I can eat whatever I want, I chose Sweet and Sour Shrimp.
Tylenol Rapid Release provided some relief but alas today, the pain continued. I feel like I've been punched repeatedly in the lower gut and occasionally there are sharp pains. First step, WebMD. Here's the list I got going:
Fibroids - loved them in Star Wars!
Ovarian Cysts - I heard these explode with vigor, but I'm curious if there is a popping noise?
Kidney Stone - Men claim the pain is worse than childbirth - go figure.
Appendix - After two days, I think that ship has sailed.
Lupus - all self diagnosis from me are capped off with Lupus in honor of George Costanza.
Once my list was made I called the doctor's office. Unfortunately Dr. McHottie is part of our General Practitioners Office, damn. I go to the Women's Center, where everyone is makeup free, wears Birkenstock (I own a pair) and their sweaters are made of hemp. I feel like a street walker there. I explained my problem and also the fact that I felt it was necessary to assemble a team AND if they had anyone like Dr. House, he should attend.
I have an appointment at 12:45 tomorrow. I have my list and I'm not sure if I should offer up my conditions or pick my favorite and when the doctor tells me what it is, hold up my answer on a card kinda like the Newlywed Game - yes, I like that! And I'll even put a monetary wager ala Jeopardy.
A Fibroid tops my list and I've already named it Felix, when the shooting pains start I call him F#$^ing Felix. This afternoon at work I let him answer my phone for a while, and I'll give the little dude credit, he did okay. If he's around by bikini season and protruding (it's really difficult to stay with me, isn't it?) I'll paint him to look like a baseball, you know so it looks like I took a hardball to the gut - that's so Jersey baby!!
As I have no pride, I'll let you know how it pans out. Gotta go, Felix wants peanut butter, he's so cunning!
Saturday started off as usual, wake up, eat within 30 minutes of rising - that's for the 4 Hour Body Diet, fart around on the laptop for a while, muster the motivation to stomp down the basement stairs to workout. Then shower, shave and off to the big city, Augusta - a capital city filled with nuts and wack jobs.
Sam's Club was a financial drain $270, my attention was immediately grabbed by the aroma of grilled hot dogs in front of the store - SCORE! Once inside, I was captivated by Muffin Mania, first off the name is shear genius and I was hungry. A dozen muffins each the size of a softball in yummy flavors like pina colado for $6.98 - Joanne, Joyce - I'll take 12 - a pleasure doing business with you ladies!
Onto Hannaford for some grocery shopping. It was about this time I noticed dull pain in my side. I hadn't made it through the produce section when the pain increased to the point of me not being able to stand upright or determine what was on the list. I used the cart as a walker, I blended right in. Once at the checkout line, I realized I had to leave and wait in the car, I was starting to get nauseous.
At one point the question was ER or pickup Chinese Food, since Saturday is the day I can eat whatever I want, I chose Sweet and Sour Shrimp.
Tylenol Rapid Release provided some relief but alas today, the pain continued. I feel like I've been punched repeatedly in the lower gut and occasionally there are sharp pains. First step, WebMD. Here's the list I got going:
Fibroids - loved them in Star Wars!
Ovarian Cysts - I heard these explode with vigor, but I'm curious if there is a popping noise?
Kidney Stone - Men claim the pain is worse than childbirth - go figure.
Appendix - After two days, I think that ship has sailed.
Lupus - all self diagnosis from me are capped off with Lupus in honor of George Costanza.
Once my list was made I called the doctor's office. Unfortunately Dr. McHottie is part of our General Practitioners Office, damn. I go to the Women's Center, where everyone is makeup free, wears Birkenstock (I own a pair) and their sweaters are made of hemp. I feel like a street walker there. I explained my problem and also the fact that I felt it was necessary to assemble a team AND if they had anyone like Dr. House, he should attend.
I have an appointment at 12:45 tomorrow. I have my list and I'm not sure if I should offer up my conditions or pick my favorite and when the doctor tells me what it is, hold up my answer on a card kinda like the Newlywed Game - yes, I like that! And I'll even put a monetary wager ala Jeopardy.
A Fibroid tops my list and I've already named it Felix, when the shooting pains start I call him F#$^ing Felix. This afternoon at work I let him answer my phone for a while, and I'll give the little dude credit, he did okay. If he's around by bikini season and protruding (it's really difficult to stay with me, isn't it?) I'll paint him to look like a baseball, you know so it looks like I took a hardball to the gut - that's so Jersey baby!!
As I have no pride, I'll let you know how it pans out. Gotta go, Felix wants peanut butter, he's so cunning!
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