Giant Breeds
We have two giant breed dogs, GIANT, not large, not big, friggin giant.
Gabrielle or Enchanted Gabrielle Of Homeport as her papers say (rolling eyes) is a soon to be 8 year old female Newfoundland. She is a garbage hound, protective to a fault and overweight like you would not believe. She went to the doctors for a routine checkup and she had blossomed (I'm so using that the next time I gain a few) from 125 to 157. Her and I went on a diet and at her checkup, she was up to 164 and she looked pissed. She eats her food, the goat's food and Gordon's food (you'll meet him next).
Gordon or Gordon Shumway of Shining Mountain is a 2 year old Afghan Hound, he whines constantly, he refuses to be brushed, occasionally we medicate him and shave him (when I say we I mean me.) He's neurotic and loves diary products, why just yesterday Lauren looked away from her bagel and he licked the cream cheese. Gordon is named after ALF the 80s furry sensation that was hell bound on eating Lucky the cat. Gordy is 32" at his back, 38" at the crown of his head (which is empty!!!) He is freakishly huge and is referred to by us as a Girafagan. Nothing is safe on the counters and mark my words, it is just a matter of time before he ignites himself on the gas stove and burns the f*cking house down.
Gabby sheds tumble weeds, Gordon has hair, so he doesn't shed, fun fact! They do however wreak havoc on hard wood floors, the dirt and sand they bring in literally sands the floors, the large damage is done by Fatty sprawling herself out like a bear rug (she's got good hips - now might be the time to point out Gabby and I are birds of a feather, we love food, we are tough broads and we have good hips - we wink at each other when no one is looking and we dance together to 'I Like Big Butts'. The worst of the damage is done by Gordon when he gets the spirit, he jumps from leather sofa to leather love seat to 'his leather chair all the while moving the furniture - he's ruining the floors. What an asshole.
Here's the positive, in a down mood I can wrap my arms around either of these idiots and squeeze with all my might and they don't protest. If I'm down, they understand, if I'm happy they understand! I yell stuff at them all the time, I announce the time left on earth for Gabby, "Let's see, 4 more years!!" This is while I'm cleaning up garbage. "Gordy!!! You are an ASSHOLE!!" This is after he steals something, purses, plastic bags - ANYTHING left on the counter.
I love them dearly and I've sworn off dogs (liar!) they offer unconditional love and humans sop that up with a biscuit, at least this human does. GORDON LEAVE THE BISCUITS ALONE!!!
GOD = DOG
Gabrielle or Enchanted Gabrielle Of Homeport as her papers say (rolling eyes) is a soon to be 8 year old female Newfoundland. She is a garbage hound, protective to a fault and overweight like you would not believe. She went to the doctors for a routine checkup and she had blossomed (I'm so using that the next time I gain a few) from 125 to 157. Her and I went on a diet and at her checkup, she was up to 164 and she looked pissed. She eats her food, the goat's food and Gordon's food (you'll meet him next).
Gordon or Gordon Shumway of Shining Mountain is a 2 year old Afghan Hound, he whines constantly, he refuses to be brushed, occasionally we medicate him and shave him (when I say we I mean me.) He's neurotic and loves diary products, why just yesterday Lauren looked away from her bagel and he licked the cream cheese. Gordon is named after ALF the 80s furry sensation that was hell bound on eating Lucky the cat. Gordy is 32" at his back, 38" at the crown of his head (which is empty!!!) He is freakishly huge and is referred to by us as a Girafagan. Nothing is safe on the counters and mark my words, it is just a matter of time before he ignites himself on the gas stove and burns the f*cking house down.
Gabby sheds tumble weeds, Gordon has hair, so he doesn't shed, fun fact! They do however wreak havoc on hard wood floors, the dirt and sand they bring in literally sands the floors, the large damage is done by Fatty sprawling herself out like a bear rug (she's got good hips - now might be the time to point out Gabby and I are birds of a feather, we love food, we are tough broads and we have good hips - we wink at each other when no one is looking and we dance together to 'I Like Big Butts'. The worst of the damage is done by Gordon when he gets the spirit, he jumps from leather sofa to leather love seat to 'his leather chair all the while moving the furniture - he's ruining the floors. What an asshole.
Here's the positive, in a down mood I can wrap my arms around either of these idiots and squeeze with all my might and they don't protest. If I'm down, they understand, if I'm happy they understand! I yell stuff at them all the time, I announce the time left on earth for Gabby, "Let's see, 4 more years!!" This is while I'm cleaning up garbage. "Gordy!!! You are an ASSHOLE!!" This is after he steals something, purses, plastic bags - ANYTHING left on the counter.
I love them dearly and I've sworn off dogs (liar!) they offer unconditional love and humans sop that up with a biscuit, at least this human does. GORDON LEAVE THE BISCUITS ALONE!!!
GOD = DOG
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