Back When Plastic Bags WERE Toys
Every once in a while someone will post a picture on Facebook of a toy from the 'way back' days like a Slinky or Battleship or Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots that makes you realize you haven't thought about those things in forever. What did ever happened to them? Sure electronics have taken over as the toy of choice for most kids today but I can't help but think there may have been some fundamental design flaws in the old school toys. It is what made them perfect for those of us that grew up standing in the back of the car between the driver and passenger's side as we careened down the highway, riding our bikes without helmets and shooting each other with BB guns - I like to think of us as the Pioneers of Survivor Childhood.
Slinky - The slinky did one thing. It went down the stairs. If you managed to get it to go all the way down the stairs this was an accomplishment but unless you were a bit of a Golden Retriever child this became boring after the 40 or 50th time. You could use it as a bracelet which was kinda neat until it started ripping all the hair out of your arms. Eventually it would become slightly warped or bent rendering it useless for future stair flights.
Easy Bake Oven - Was this not the bane of every Dad's existence? This is how the events played out; Preheat oven by turning on switch that turned on light bulb. The oven took 4 seconds to heat up to 88 degrees where it stayed until you opened the door then it dropped to 70. Make a colossal mess mixing dehydrated cake mix and water in the world's tiniest bowl with it's matching itty bitty spoon. Pour wet mix into the cupcake tins. Insert into 88 degree oven and wait 4 hours or until a toothpick inserted into cake comes out clean. Mix dehydrated icing with water and ice cake. Place cake on pretty plate and present to Dad. This was always Mom's idea, not because she felt Dad had put in a long day in the salt mines and deserved a celebratory cake but rather because she didn't want to eat it. Dad would say things like, "Oh! Wow! Neat!" until he took a bite. My Dad has always been brutally honest and early on it was obvious the juice wasn't worth the squeeze on that toy.
Mr. Microphone - "Hey good lookin'! We'll be back to pick you up later!" This was the ultimate pickup line used in the commercial for the Mr. Microphone. A speaker with a microphone that ran on batteries so you could ride around in your convertible and make public announcements or find a date to go with you to see Killdozer or The Blob. I sang 'Knock Three Times' by Tony Orlando and Dawn (who I thought was one gal until many years later when I discovered Dawn was 'team') and 'Love Will Keep Us Together' by the Captain and Tennille at the top of my lungs complete with some pretty snazzy dance moves. This may have been why my brother took apart my Mr. Microphone and I in turn busted my Cinderella Magic Mirror over his head. Tit for tat.
Slime - Speaking of The Blob. Slime was a lime green goo that came in a small plastic garbage can and you basically - well you basically played with it in your hands until one of two things happened. 1. You left the lid off and it dried out 2. You poured it onto a hot light bulb and then became distracted by the explosion and desperate search to find all the bits of light bulb in your shag carpet, medium pile, before Mom and Dad came upstairs.
Kiddie Fondue - And speaking of shag carpet. Kiddie Fondue was a kit for those cool cat kids that wanted to have a fondue party just like Mom and Dad's cool friends did. The couple where the husband had an afro and the wife wore halter tops and cork wedge heels. Adult Fondue uses Sterno. Kiddie Fondue used hot water. I believe the test kitchen folks for Kiddie Fondue were those that couldn't cut it in the Easy Bake Oven world. This was a toy that was given to me by someone other than my parents. No parent would buy this for their own child and certainly not my parents. It was the food equivalent to the 'One Man Band Set' or the 'Wood Carving aka Burn Down Your Own House In No Time!' After bugging my Mom to let me make this over and over and over again I finally gave up and sulked up to my room where I made it in secret mixing hot water from the tap with the fondue powder and getting my mini marshmallows ready for spearing. Everything was going quite groovy until I knocked over the pot which contained an insert that was divided into three sections; chocolate, strawberry and vanilla. The Neopolitan mess spilled and then oozed into my light pink shag rug. As wave a panic rolled over me I quickly ran for the vacuum and began running it over the rug. This destroyed the rug and the vacuum.
Lite Brite - Notice the spelling - totally far out huh?! The concept here was to take the colored pegs and use the enclosed stencil patterns to create a picture that is back lit thus transforming your room into an art gallery or Studio 54, your choice. The problem was once you used the stencil, you couldn't use it again because you'd poked holes into the pattern that told you what color to put where. And despite being really really careful pegs would fall in the shag rug forever to be lost. Or at least until you hauled out the fondue scented vacuum and then you'd hear them getting sucked up - this noise was similar to BBs being sucked up but less metallic sounding.
Magic Eight Ball - The final decision maker in all childhood arguments and some corner offices I'm sure. The ball held a 20 sided die floating in a blue liquid that would float to a small viewing window and present you with the answer to such questions as, 'Is it my turn to feed the dog?' 'Is my brother a dope?' 'Will I marry David Cassidy?' and so on and so forth. Answers like, 'Try Again Later' and 'Outlook Good' and 'My Sources Say No' left you shaking your underdeveloped arms until the answer you wanted materialized. I once had one of these in my office cubicle and out of curiosity and boredom I took it apart to see what the floaty thing looked like. It looks like a 20 sided die. What I didn't need to learn but did as a result of my experiment was that the blue dye is pretty permanent. I am still amazed I didn't take this apart in the seclusion of my room and add that to the shag carpet.
-Peace out!
Slinky - The slinky did one thing. It went down the stairs. If you managed to get it to go all the way down the stairs this was an accomplishment but unless you were a bit of a Golden Retriever child this became boring after the 40 or 50th time. You could use it as a bracelet which was kinda neat until it started ripping all the hair out of your arms. Eventually it would become slightly warped or bent rendering it useless for future stair flights.
Easy Bake Oven - Was this not the bane of every Dad's existence? This is how the events played out; Preheat oven by turning on switch that turned on light bulb. The oven took 4 seconds to heat up to 88 degrees where it stayed until you opened the door then it dropped to 70. Make a colossal mess mixing dehydrated cake mix and water in the world's tiniest bowl with it's matching itty bitty spoon. Pour wet mix into the cupcake tins. Insert into 88 degree oven and wait 4 hours or until a toothpick inserted into cake comes out clean. Mix dehydrated icing with water and ice cake. Place cake on pretty plate and present to Dad. This was always Mom's idea, not because she felt Dad had put in a long day in the salt mines and deserved a celebratory cake but rather because she didn't want to eat it. Dad would say things like, "Oh! Wow! Neat!" until he took a bite. My Dad has always been brutally honest and early on it was obvious the juice wasn't worth the squeeze on that toy.
Mr. Microphone - "Hey good lookin'! We'll be back to pick you up later!" This was the ultimate pickup line used in the commercial for the Mr. Microphone. A speaker with a microphone that ran on batteries so you could ride around in your convertible and make public announcements or find a date to go with you to see Killdozer or The Blob. I sang 'Knock Three Times' by Tony Orlando and Dawn (who I thought was one gal until many years later when I discovered Dawn was 'team') and 'Love Will Keep Us Together' by the Captain and Tennille at the top of my lungs complete with some pretty snazzy dance moves. This may have been why my brother took apart my Mr. Microphone and I in turn busted my Cinderella Magic Mirror over his head. Tit for tat.
Slime - Speaking of The Blob. Slime was a lime green goo that came in a small plastic garbage can and you basically - well you basically played with it in your hands until one of two things happened. 1. You left the lid off and it dried out 2. You poured it onto a hot light bulb and then became distracted by the explosion and desperate search to find all the bits of light bulb in your shag carpet, medium pile, before Mom and Dad came upstairs.
Kiddie Fondue - And speaking of shag carpet. Kiddie Fondue was a kit for those cool cat kids that wanted to have a fondue party just like Mom and Dad's cool friends did. The couple where the husband had an afro and the wife wore halter tops and cork wedge heels. Adult Fondue uses Sterno. Kiddie Fondue used hot water. I believe the test kitchen folks for Kiddie Fondue were those that couldn't cut it in the Easy Bake Oven world. This was a toy that was given to me by someone other than my parents. No parent would buy this for their own child and certainly not my parents. It was the food equivalent to the 'One Man Band Set' or the 'Wood Carving aka Burn Down Your Own House In No Time!' After bugging my Mom to let me make this over and over and over again I finally gave up and sulked up to my room where I made it in secret mixing hot water from the tap with the fondue powder and getting my mini marshmallows ready for spearing. Everything was going quite groovy until I knocked over the pot which contained an insert that was divided into three sections; chocolate, strawberry and vanilla. The Neopolitan mess spilled and then oozed into my light pink shag rug. As wave a panic rolled over me I quickly ran for the vacuum and began running it over the rug. This destroyed the rug and the vacuum.
Lite Brite - Notice the spelling - totally far out huh?! The concept here was to take the colored pegs and use the enclosed stencil patterns to create a picture that is back lit thus transforming your room into an art gallery or Studio 54, your choice. The problem was once you used the stencil, you couldn't use it again because you'd poked holes into the pattern that told you what color to put where. And despite being really really careful pegs would fall in the shag rug forever to be lost. Or at least until you hauled out the fondue scented vacuum and then you'd hear them getting sucked up - this noise was similar to BBs being sucked up but less metallic sounding.
Magic Eight Ball - The final decision maker in all childhood arguments and some corner offices I'm sure. The ball held a 20 sided die floating in a blue liquid that would float to a small viewing window and present you with the answer to such questions as, 'Is it my turn to feed the dog?' 'Is my brother a dope?' 'Will I marry David Cassidy?' and so on and so forth. Answers like, 'Try Again Later' and 'Outlook Good' and 'My Sources Say No' left you shaking your underdeveloped arms until the answer you wanted materialized. I once had one of these in my office cubicle and out of curiosity and boredom I took it apart to see what the floaty thing looked like. It looks like a 20 sided die. What I didn't need to learn but did as a result of my experiment was that the blue dye is pretty permanent. I am still amazed I didn't take this apart in the seclusion of my room and add that to the shag carpet.
-Peace out!
I had a Lite Brite! I used it every nite (sorry), until I teed off the Mom unit.
ReplyDelete"Turn it off!" she said. "NO!" I said. To this day I have no idea where she buried it.